I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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