If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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