I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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