I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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