is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
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I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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