I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
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Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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