If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
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We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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