When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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