Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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