Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
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Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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