I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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