All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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