the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize