I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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