Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
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Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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