is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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