she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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