Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
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Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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