My Higher Power is John Stamos
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm really busy with my period
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