I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
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