i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize