I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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