I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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