Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
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he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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