if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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