she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
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walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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