I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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