everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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