Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize