When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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