Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
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Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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