So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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