We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
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Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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