I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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