Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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