my mouth tastes like poor choices
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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