I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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