You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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