where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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