I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize