I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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