the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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