Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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