I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize