oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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