Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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