if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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