I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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