She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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