I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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